Dollar Shots

Customer buying a 15 pack of Keystone Light and 2 shots of Southern Comfort
Me: That will be $10.74.
Him: *Counting a few singles and change* $7:75. Just made it!
Me: No. TEN, 74.
Him: What?! No! The shots are a dollar.
Me: They are 2 dollars.
Him: They are a dollar.
Me: Southern is 2 dollars. The only shot we have that is a dollar is this cheap vodka. *shows him the shot*
Him: I don’t want vodka.
Me: Well all the other shots are $2 or more. You can get just one of the southerns.
Him: Which shots are a dollar?
Me: …None. *He just bought the beer and had $2.25 left*
Him: What shot can I get for $2.25?
Me: Most of them. You can get one of the southerns.
Him: Well gimme that then!

How Did You Figure That?

This isn’t really a bad story, I just can’t figure out where this guy was getting his numbers from…

Customer at drive-thru: How much is a 6-pack of Budweiser?
Me: $7.10 after tax.
Him: What? A 12-pack is only $8.
Me: A 12-pack is $10.76.
Him: Well I might as well get a case, that’s only $14.
Me: A case is $17.23.

*I have no idea where he was getting these prices*

Certified Crazy

This is a bit of a “you had to be there” story, but I will do my best.

So about 6 months ago I posted about the neighbors across the street always complaining about each other and how the other was crazy.

You’re Crazy! No, You’re Crazy!

Well the one neighbor moved out a few months ago and the other is still there. Figured out today the guy that stayed is definitely the crazy one. We were talking for about 15 min today and I was realizing just how crazy he is and it was verified when he told me that he was “certified crazy by the Marines.”

He doesn’t drink. He only buys cigarettes and snacks. He has come in multiple times over the last couple months complaining about “hackers” getting into his email. I’m pretty sure most of the “hacking” was just him getting spam emails and then he thinks that someone logged into his email and put the emails there. He has told me that he contacted the police about it and they traced the IP address of the person that logged in and found the GPS location where it was coming from and it was from the street in front of his house. So now he is convinced that someone is standing in the street and hacking into his email.

Now while I know that is technically possible for someone to do over an unsecured wifi connection, he is using his old flip phone and I am not sure if that is even possible to do. More likely is that he is logging in from his phone and the GPS is just slightly off.

Today he is telling me about the “hackers” again. He was at the library and couldn’t log into his email because the password was changed. So he had to use his recovery email account to change the password and then after he had it working for a while the password would change again about 10 minutes later. He said he had to change his password 4 times while he was there because someone kept hacking hit. He said it had to be “That bitch sitting across from me” or “the 3 fuckers sitting on their laptops”. I tried to explain to him that IF someone was hacking into his email it was definitely not one of the people sitting at the library with him, it was more likely someone in another state or country with a program designed to do it, but he didn’t buy it.

He then went on the explain that the 4th time he changed his password he used his phone that “only 5 people are able to log into” to block the hackers so they couldn’t change his password again. I have no idea how he thinks this works. He just has a simple flip phone and was still changing his password on the computer he was using. I think that he thinks it somehow puts up some kind of electronic barrier to stop the “fucking hackers”.

What I think was happening here is that he was just changing his password twice and not realizing it. Split personality? Blackouts? Just forgetful? I don’t know, but definitely some brand of crazy.

After this he was pretty heated and started telling me that today he was at the police station (not sure why exactly, I think he just went down to yell at people) and was telling them that they need to “PRODUCE evidence” against him. He kept yelling the word “PRODUCE” and told me his lawyer taught him the word. He said that everyone in town hates him and calls him a “baby fucker”. In this part of the conversation he also told me about trying to get custody of his son for years. What I eventually gathered was that he was charged/suspected/something of sexual child abuse. Which this story that I posted about a month ago makes a little more sense now.

Suck A Baby’s Dick?!?

This is one of the more crazy/intense things that I have ever had to deal with. Especially when he started hitting his cane on the counter (he makes canes out of driftwood and has tried to sell me one before) and talking about how if anyone wanted to fuck with him that he lives right by the river and can get rid of the bodies. This is also when he told me “I am certified crazy by the Marines. I don’t know how long or how hard I am hitting someone. I’m crazy.”

Lesson of the day: Don’t fuck with (or hack) the crazy child molester (unconfirmed) across the street.

Priorities 2

People really need to figure out their priorities. Just had another story like the one I posted a few days ago.

Woman is talking on the phone at the drive-thru about how her gas and water is turned off because she can’t pay her bill. This is while she is buying a case of bud light and 5 packs of cigarettes. About $50.

Coke and Lies

Had a customer explaining to me about the ways he lies to his wife about money so that she doesn’t know he is doing coke. Like telling her they can’t go out because they need to save money for their phone bill, but really he spent all their money on coke so he just doesn’t have any. And then he borrows money from his son to pay the phone bill.

Real class act there.

Suck A Baby’s Dick?!?

Customer: If they are going to judge me I don’t give a fuck. They can go pound salt and suck a baby’s dick.

That is quite original from something more normal like “They can piss off”. Also I have no idea who “they” is.

Crazy Crack Head

Had a crack head come into the store today. I am not being mean or stereotyping by calling him a crack head, I am calling him a crack head because he told me that he smokes crack.

CH: I need apple.
Me: uhh, apple juice?.. Crown Apple?.. Jim Beam Apple?..
CH: Yeah.
Me: which one?
CH: Jim.
Me: We only have the Jim Apple in the fifths. *He was looking at the smaller bottles, and I pointed to where the fifth was*
CH: I don’t know, you need to show me.
*I walked over to the Jim Beam Apple, showed him and told him the price*
CH: Yeah. That’s it. That’s what I need.
Me: Ok, anything else?
CH: Yeah… *he said “Yeah” a lot*
CH: Do you have that stuff?
Me: What stuff?
CH: Pop stuff.
Me: We have two-liters right there.
*I pointed at the two-liter bottles. I couldn’t walk over to them because he was standing in the aisle blocking me.*
CH: I need squirt.
Me: There is squirt right there.
*Again pointing because he was in the way*
CH: Show me.
*He didn’t move… I did my best to squeeze around him. He smelled terrible and I didn’t really want to touch him.*
Me: Right here *I picked up the bottle of squirt*
CH: Yeah. That’s it.
Me: Ok, is that all?
CH: Yeah.
*I rang up the bottles of Jim and Squirt and told him the price*
CH: Do you have that other stuff? *pointing back at the two-liters*
Me: Like sprite, 7-up, ginger ale, coke?
Ch: Uhhhh… *Silence*
CH: I don’t want this. *picking up the bottle of squirt and slamming it back down on the counter*
Me: Ok, So just the Jim then?
CH: Yeah.
*Told him the price, he basically threw the money at me, just kinda tossed up on the counter. I gave him his change and said have a good night. *

*This is when it got interesting. He just started talking. Most of what he said was repeated multiple times, sometimes stopping mid-sentence and saying something else, sometimes just mumbling. I mainly just repeated “oh”, “mhmm”, “ah”, etc. I had no idea how to reply. This is the gist of it…

CH: I’m going home. That bitch. She locked me out. My girlfriend. I don’t carry my crack with me. That’s bad. She locked me out. I called the landlord on her. He called the police. She has my bills. I’m gonna burn them. The bills are locked in with her. She has my crack. That’s bad. I called the police. I’m going home. Bitch locked me out. She has 9 days to get out. Bills. Don’t tell anyone I bought this. That bitch has my bills. I called my landlord.

*I had a customer pull up to the window so I turned around and just said “Alright, have a good night”

CH: I’m going home. Don’t tell anyone I bought this.

I almost feel bad telling everyone what he bought since he repeatedly asked me not too, but I doubt anyone he knows will read this and it was just too strange/funny not to tell.

Damn Commies!

Wearing my “Communist Party” shirt to work today. This is the second time someone thought I was a communist and got mad at me because of it. After explaining that I am not a communist and it is just a joke. She asks me if I remembered “all that scary stuff” with the communists in the 60s. When I told her I wasn’t alive in the 60s she seemed confused. I understand when people think I might be in my 30s but there is no way someone could actually think I was in my 50s.