Dog Units

Guy in the drive-thru: Let me get a half dog of vodka.
Me: A what?
Guy: Just cheap vodka.
Me: What size?
Guy: A half dog.
Me: Like a half pint?
Guy: Sure.
*grabs a half pint of McCormick vodka*
Me: This size?
Guy: Yeah… No. Actually just give me the full dog.
*grabs pint*
Me: This one?
Guy: Yeah.

I have never heard someone measure liquor in dog units before. I assume a fifth is a double dog? But then whats a half gallon or a shooter?

How Did You Figure That?

This isn’t really a bad story, I just can’t figure out where this guy was getting his numbers from…

Customer at drive-thru: How much is a 6-pack of Budweiser?
Me: $7.10 after tax.
Him: What? A 12-pack is only $8.
Me: A 12-pack is $10.76.
Him: Well I might as well get a case, that’s only $14.
Me: A case is $17.23.

*I have no idea where he was getting these prices*

I Get Paid at Eleven.

Not even 30 minutes into the store being open today I had a customer asking for money. This is not the first time he has asked, and he always does it in a long sob story. I helped him out one time and he took over a month to pay me back and would come to the store but stay in the car while his friends came in so he wouldn’t have to pay me.

Him: Hey man.. Are you going to be here till at least 11 today?
Me: Yeah, I am here till 5.
Him: Ok, here’s the deal. I get paid at 11…
*I cut him off. I could tell where it was going*
Me: Then you can come back at 11.
Him: Seriously?
Me: Yeah. Last time I lent you money you took over a month to pay me back and you even hid in the car so you wouldn’t have to see me. Not happening again.
Him: I paid you back more than what I owed you!
*I think he gave me an extra quarter*
Me: Yeah, but you said you were going to pay me back the same day and took a month, and then were a jackass about it so it’s not happening again. 11 is only an hour and a half away. If you actually are getting paid then you can come back.

*He left in a huff and didn’t say anything else… I am usually pretty nice to people, but this guy has pissed me off before. I guess I am not in the mood to deal with people’s bullshit today, but now I am curious to see if he actually does come back at 11.*

What’s a Tax?

I have had to explain to far too many grown adults that there is sales tax when you buy something. How do you live in a place where everything you buy is taxed and not understand this?

Customer: What are the cheapest cigarettes you have?
Me: The Eagle 20’s are the cheapest ones. They are $5.31 after tax.
Customer: But it says $4.93.
Me: Yeah that’s before taxes. They come out to $5.31 total.
Customer: The sign says $4.93.
Me: Yes… That’s before taxes.
Customer: OK, I’ll get them.
Me: which ones. We only have the 100’s in regular or menthol.
Customer: The menthol shorts.
Me: We only have the 100’s.
Customer: No the shorts.
(I’m getting annoyed all over again just typing this conversation)
Me: We only have the 100’s.
Customer: Well what’s the next cheapest?
Me: Pyramid’s. They are $5.74 after tax.
*And then we had to have the exact same conversation about taxes again*


So a good story for once…

There is a regular at the store that I wouldn’t call an alcoholic but more of an extreme binge drinker. Like a pass out in the front yard or side of the road every time he drinks binge drinker. I actually saw him nearly passed out on some steps downtown one night when I was out.

He came in today to get a pack of cigarettes and tell me that his girlfriend had their baby. I congratulated him and asked if he was getting some booze to celebrate. He had told me when she got pregnant that he was going to order a keg after the baby came and have a party. But instead he said me that while he was at the hospital, after his girlfriend had given birth, a couple of his friends stopped over and gave him a couple of celebration shots and then the nurse smelled it on him and told him he had to leave the hospital. So after being kicked out of the hospital for drinking he is done drinking and it was time for him to “get his act together” especially with the new baby.

I congratulated him again and actually believe he will do it, but we will see.

Certified Crazy

This is a bit of a “you had to be there” story, but I will do my best.

So about 6 months ago I posted about the neighbors across the street always complaining about each other and how the other was crazy.

You’re Crazy! No, You’re Crazy!

Well the one neighbor moved out a few months ago and the other is still there. Figured out today the guy that stayed is definitely the crazy one. We were talking for about 15 min today and I was realizing just how crazy he is and it was verified when he told me that he was “certified crazy by the Marines.”

He doesn’t drink. He only buys cigarettes and snacks. He has come in multiple times over the last couple months complaining about “hackers” getting into his email. I’m pretty sure most of the “hacking” was just him getting spam emails and then he thinks that someone logged into his email and put the emails there. He has told me that he contacted the police about it and they traced the IP address of the person that logged in and found the GPS location where it was coming from and it was from the street in front of his house. So now he is convinced that someone is standing in the street and hacking into his email.

Now while I know that is technically possible for someone to do over an unsecured wifi connection, he is using his old flip phone and I am not sure if that is even possible to do. More likely is that he is logging in from his phone and the GPS is just slightly off.

Today he is telling me about the “hackers” again. He was at the library and couldn’t log into his email because the password was changed. So he had to use his recovery email account to change the password and then after he had it working for a while the password would change again about 10 minutes later. He said he had to change his password 4 times while he was there because someone kept hacking hit. He said it had to be “That bitch sitting across from me” or “the 3 fuckers sitting on their laptops”. I tried to explain to him that IF someone was hacking into his email it was definitely not one of the people sitting at the library with him, it was more likely someone in another state or country with a program designed to do it, but he didn’t buy it.

He then went on the explain that the 4th time he changed his password he used his phone that “only 5 people are able to log into” to block the hackers so they couldn’t change his password again. I have no idea how he thinks this works. He just has a simple flip phone and was still changing his password on the computer he was using. I think that he thinks it somehow puts up some kind of electronic barrier to stop the “fucking hackers”.

What I think was happening here is that he was just changing his password twice and not realizing it. Split personality? Blackouts? Just forgetful? I don’t know, but definitely some brand of crazy.

After this he was pretty heated and started telling me that today he was at the police station (not sure why exactly, I think he just went down to yell at people) and was telling them that they need to “PRODUCE evidence” against him. He kept yelling the word “PRODUCE” and told me his lawyer taught him the word. He said that everyone in town hates him and calls him a “baby fucker”. In this part of the conversation he also told me about trying to get custody of his son for years. What I eventually gathered was that he was charged/suspected/something of sexual child abuse. Which this story that I posted about a month ago makes a little more sense now.

Suck A Baby’s Dick?!?

This is one of the more crazy/intense things that I have ever had to deal with. Especially when he started hitting his cane on the counter (he makes canes out of driftwood and has tried to sell me one before) and talking about how if anyone wanted to fuck with him that he lives right by the river and can get rid of the bodies. This is also when he told me “I am certified crazy by the Marines. I don’t know how long or how hard I am hitting someone. I’m crazy.”

Lesson of the day: Don’t fuck with (or hack) the crazy child molester (unconfirmed) across the street.

Not A Bank

First hour the store is open today I have had 5 customers. 3 of them asked to borrow money and left when I didn’t give them any. It’s bad when you go to the liquor store first thing in the morning just hoping that the cashier will buy you beer.

I also had a customer yesterday ask me to buy him a pack of cigarettes and that he would pay me back tomorrow (now today) when he got paid. I told him no, but I am curious to see if he comes in today with money.. I doubt it.

Girlfriend Problems

Just had a kid, I would guess around 18-20, come into the store crying and asked if he could use my phone. I said sure and asked him what was wrong. He replied “My girlfriend just left me in the snow.”

It’s not snowing and there is barely any snow left since it is almost 40 degrees out.

He tried calling his girlfriend a couple times with no answer, gave my phone back and just told me not to answer if she tried calling back. He left, I wished him good luck, and he just wandered around the area for about 10 minutes before walking down the street.

When he said she left him, I think not only did she break up with him but left him stranded with no phone or ride, so I do feel bad for him, but I just couldn’t get past the “left me in the snow” … What snow?